For whatever reason, at a young age, I felt the need to stifle emotion. Whether joy or sorrow, I would not let the feelings bubble up. I needed to stay in control. I saw the expression of feelings as weakness. There was a fear that the expression meant that I was committing to a belief about whatever it was that triggered the emotion.

Not only did I shape my life based on this belief, I judged others by their ability to apply these controls as well.

In my life, this meant playing it safe. By making the decision to engage or not engage in an activity based on whether I believed I could control my emotions.

This attempt to control emotion is anxiety producing and is depression when I felt like I failed. Anxiety is worrying about the future and depression is worrying about the past.

As I have indicated in previous posts, I have been blessed with amazing teachers in my life. These teachers were so patient with me as learned these life lessons. There is no shame or guilt in this process of becoming. It is the very discomfort that leads to growth. It was only when the discomfort was so great that I chose to look for alternatives and change could happen.

Very recently my husband and I took a trip to to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We were down to our final days when we decided to check our itinerary to see what else we could possibly fit in before our departure. While looking at the document, I was triggered by the thought that this experience was about to come to an end. I was immediately flooded by the feeling of sadness. I actually felt a wave hit my body, feeling the feeling of sadness from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. It felt like an injustice and I started to cry.

If you knew me well you would know that this is an unlikely scene. My husband, being the love that he is, reassured me that we can decide to seek out more experiences like this going forward. It is the sadness that helps us appreciate that we have just experienced something we love.

Experiencing this visceral response to sadness did not leave me feeling weak. I did realize that there were so many times in my life when I could have given it to feeling both sadness and joy but didn’t. This time, I felt alive.

Now what? It felt safe to experience sadness. How about joy?

One thing I have learned about emotions is that there are experiences that we can witness that trigger our emotions and can be a safe way to practice. For example, when I am perusing Facebook, I will purposefully watch something that triggers strong emotion just to practice the feeling of it. The more I practice, the more I realize that I do not break into a million pieces. I feel better. I appreciate the experience. Experiences that trigger any of our senses are helpful ways to practice living in the moment. How do I feel when I see this artwork? hear this piece of music? Feel this hug? smell that apple pie? taste that buttered homemade bread? This is what it means to live mindfully. By feeling our feelings in the moment and appreciating that we are having those feelings is how we can make decisions that will help bring us closer to what we actually desire.

For me, building a life that I do not need to take a vacation from is what I desire most. To do that I will fill my time with experiences that trigger growth and balance sadness with joy. These are decisions I will make by living mindfully.