Influential teachers have guided me towards a life consumed with the pursuit of meaning. These teachers cared enough to take the time and energy to enlighten my understanding of who I thought I was and who I am capable of being.

Lately, I have experienced new teachers who have an understanding of empathy that is new to me. I am grateful for these lessons and wanted to share what I have learned.

Each of us are raised in particular cultures with connections that are naturally easy and most familiar. For me, I was Catholic, went to Catholic grammar school and my friends were all Catholic. It was naturally easy to connect with people who shared this basic belief in God, Jesus, the commandments, etc. We lived away from town in a rural, wooded area with other families but most time was spent with my parents and my four younger sisters.

We were safe and cared for. But there was always an undercurrent of fear that bad things would happen if we wandered out of our nest and attempted to form relationships outside our controlled environment. This could mean walking too far down the street and routinely meeting up with an older male neighbor who taught me about nature: animal footprints in the mud, the otters floating downstream on their backs, how to garden and fertilize the soil, bird houses; dozens of them.

The message was “there must be something wrong with him that he wants to spend time with you.” I am not critical of this level of protection my extended family and friends had for me. People that loved me simply wanted me to be safe.

My Catholic school closed when I finished 6th grade. I would attend public school less than 1/4 mile down the street.

The global panic that ensued within our school was palpable. We had been groomed to fear everyone outside our cocoon as if everyone had some sinister motive . We would not fit in, nor should we try. We would try to stay together and “get through this”.

My most influencial teacher did not show up in my experience until over 10 years later. Dr. Worthington was a surgeon at the Community Hospital in Florida where I had run away to after nursing school. He recognized how judgmental I was about people who were different than me and how sheltered I was from life. He gently but firmly guided me to to the idea of being open to what is possible. He gave me the book The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. It is a dialogue where Campbell teaches us how similar all cultures are. Stories may have different characters but the lessons are the same.

It is not possible for me to explain the impact this book had on my life. Suddenly, every thought that came into my head needed to be questioned. Thank God, the Universe or whatever powers that be; I am so grateful for the interruption in what could have been a lifelong experience of suffering.

I felt like I needed to start over but was armed with years of experience living a life filled with judgment; judgment of myself and others. The most impactful lesson was to stop using the word ‘should’. If the word or the thought ‘should’ comes into my experience, I must (haha ‘should’), will question it; not in a judgmental way but with curiosity. “I wonder why I believe this?”.

This brings me to the concept of empathy. We are focused on building connections and partnerships with the individuals in our current healthcare marketplace. To build a true connection we must feel empathy otherwise the individual goes unheard or unfelt.

Connections heal both the caregiver and the receiver. It is a therapeutic encounter for both.  Burnout dissipates when human connections are made. It is the judgment of others that burns us out. The opposite of love is not hate; it is judgment. To experience self-love or love with others is to be non-judgmental.

Empathy comes easy when experiencing an encounter with someone who has some familiar history to us. The connection comes naturally. What about everyone else? This is about intent. My intention is to feel a connection with everyone.

What if our meaning in life is to impact peace? internal peace, household peace, community peace, national peace, universal peace? The intent of feeling a connection with others on whatever scale you are comfortable with means truly experiencing empathy regardless of history. This means without judgment and with curiosity.

It was most helpful for me to start with the concept of self-love. Not as easy as it sounds. What worked well was grasping that love and gratitude are similar experiences for us. Starting with “what about myself am I grateful for?”. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant it may seem; list what qualities you possess that you are grateful for.  I will focus on what I am grateful for.

What about my household? What am I most grateful for in my own household? etc.

You get the idea. Gratitude…love…empathy…connection…peace…